Disability and Codependent Relationships. Why so Common?
If a disabled person and an able-bodied person live together the disabled person will often...
- lose benefits
-have the partner become the primary caregiver
-be dependent on the partner for increased quality of life
-be financially dependent (see 1)
-have few social opportunities outside the partnership
---
If two disabled people live together there are often...
-complimentary disabilities
-sharing of services leading to increased quality of life
-each serves as primary caregivers
-have few social opportunities outside the partnership
---
Why is being codependent bad?
-can trap people in abusive relationships
-makes people feel they could not survive alone (whether true or not)
-lowers self-esteem
-causes partners to devalue outside relationships
---
How can your mixed-ability relationship be healthier?
---
- Have an exit plan before living together...
--Who will move
--How will caregiving be transferred
--What sort of warning period will be given to find alternative support
-Build independent support networks
-Participate in individual therapy
---
Disabled marriage equality still does not exist!
Let's talk about mixed ability and disability in relationships.
I think it's fairly common knowledge that codependent relationships are bad. But when in a relationship where chronic illness, mental illness, disability and more are present this codependency can be to an extent unavoidable.
This is especially true due to many laws around the world that can strip disabled people of their benefits if they are found to be being supported by a spouse or partner. Many people with a disability simply cannot afford to get married for this reason.
With misunderstood illnesses like myalgic encephalomyelitis, MECFS and Fibromyalgia, there can also be difficulties in partners understanding the others illnesses. This can lead to abusive situations where a partner is not having their needs met.
But the opposite can also be true, just because someone is in a relationship with someone with a disability doesn't mean that person should be bound to that relationship forever. Especially if the relationship is unhealthy. There is significant stigma around leaving a disabled partner even if the separation has nothing to do with disability.
All of this comes down to codependent relationships which is why even though me and my husband are happily married and have no intention of ever separating we have contingency plans. We have ways if either of us feels unhappy in the relationship in a way that we are unable to resolve we will be able to separate in such a way that both of us will still have people to care for us and have our basic needs met. (In our case this is due to having supportive families)
While such a cut-and-the-dry situation is unfortunately impossible in many cases it doesn't change what we should strive for. Until we uncouple disabled people being cared for from disabled people being caught in codependent relationships it is incredibly difficult for people with chronic illness and disability to maintain healthy relationships. Acknowledging the situation and working around it when possible is an essential first step to reducing ableism in our society and personal lives.
