The root of ableism within the home. How childhood teaches ableism.

Disabled adults are infantilized.

Let's start this argument out familiar. Most disabled people have been infantilized at some point in their life. From non-verbal autistics being denied AAC and expected to simply throw a tantrum to communicate to people treating wheelchairs like a stroller, they can just push out of the way.

Chronically ill women who rely on family or husbands are often treated the same as dependent child. The sexism present in our societal template of marriage combining with ableism to twice infantilize adult women.

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The argument

This post goes beyond the basic observations around the infantilization of the disabled and the harm it causes. Instead, we will start with the source of infantilization: how we treat children and show how this leads to justified abuse of disabled and chronically ill people. We will show…

1.) All children are disabled adults.

2.) Child abuse teaches ableist abuse.

3.) Most parenting is abusive.*

4.) Societal ableism is passed on socially through the nuclear family.

*Using an anarchist definition of abuse

Credit to the anarchist Youtuber Pamphleteer on Youtube for inspiring this post. Their video essay on youth liberation is linked in the comments.

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All children are disabled adults.

Human babies are pretty useless. They cannot talk, walk, feed themselves or even toilet independently.

Even 5 years later they are still unable to walk or run long distances, make complex argument, interpret complex social situations, work long hours, and are physically weak and small.

Teenagers might become closer in stature to adults but they lack the life experience and education of those older than them. They also require sensitive social support and prone to powerful emotional distress and need much more sleep than adults.

We normally do not think of healthy children as disabled. This is because we compare them not to us but to their peers. But in comparison to their adult they certainly are, nor is it a short-term disability. Most children will not be independent until at least 18 and many cultures continue to support young people beyond this arbitrary age.

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Child abuse teaches ableist abuse.

Child abuse comes from a multitude of places but it is ultimately possible and easy because children are weak and disabled. It is simply easy for a parent to threaten their kid into doing what they are told.

We often see the wrongness of child abuse in extreme cases like physically hitting your child.

Most parents who do not condone physical violence would say that hitting a child is wrong because "they don't know why they are being hit, they just learn to be afraid." But this applies more broadly. Most children are never given an explanation of the rules enforced upon them. How common is the phrase "because I said so"?

But in general, we accept that punishing kids is necessary. That kids "need to learn" and that positive and negative reinforcement is necessary to that learning. Which in turn means society learning this: "it is okay to use force when required to make a less able person do what is necessary of them."

After all, what is the difference between yelling at a senile grandmother for wetting the bed without hitting the call button and scolding a child for not using her training toilet? What is the difference between restraining an autistic person having a meltdown and restraining a toddler having a tantrum?

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Most parenting is abuse.

Now to be clear there is a difference between extremely abusive parents and normal parenting. I am not saying that a timeout is the same as physical violence. But from an anarchist perspective abuse can be defined as follows: "abuse is when someone with power uses that power to coerce someone else into subservience."

In the case of parenting the parent has power over the child because the parent is physically and mentally stronger and holds control of all their physical needs. The parent is given additional power because the state reinforces that power and will not intervene unless the child is being physically hurt and will also respond with the violent act of separating the family and placing the child under the guardianship of an unknown similarly powerful adult.

Yet the parent also is facing abuse from the state. If they do not conform to society well enough to provide for their child and keep their child from causing disruption they can be punished by the violent act of taking the child away. This threat is even more present in POC communities where children are 3x more likely to spend time in foster care (Mother Jones 2021).

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Translation to disability

To focus more on disability the parallels are striking. Just as with a child a disabled family member is seen by the state as the responsibility of the person caring for them. The family is placed in the position of both having additional responsibility and the threat of failure. This is especially visible in cases like psychiatric care where family members are routinely separated and held in prisons or psych wards.

Similar to a child, disabled people may struggle with communication and meeting their own needs. They are often physically weaker and need help with basic tasks. Simply by living with them an able-bodied person is given power and the potential to commit abuse.

In fact guardianship of disabled people, a situation that essentially extends the rights of a parent into adulthood is one of the most commonly used pieces of legislation to facilitate disabled abuse. What does it say about the fate of children that this legislation is the default contract between parent and child?

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Societal ableism is passed on socially through the nuclear family.

In modern society, there is great emphasis placed on the nuclear family. In conservative circles, this power dynamic is clearly presented as a husband having power over a wife who in turn has power over the children. But even in liberal areas, this same power dynamic is present between the parents and children (in fact you will often hear of the importance of a "united front" in households where parents both exert equal control over children).

The importance of this system in a hierarchical society is essential as it teaches children from a young age that people who are stronger and more able to create value for society are above you and failure to comply with their demands will have consequences.

In fact, the greatest failure of parenting is generally said to be producing a "rebel" child. A child who ends up in prison or otherwise punished by the state. Why? Because clearly, the parent did not instill a fear (or respect, or understanding, any will serve) of power-based hierarchies.

Therefore it is a failure of parenting to not produce ableism. To not teach a disabled or abled child that their place in society is determined by said ability and that having greater or lesser ability determines their status and freedom of will.

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Doing better: unlearning ableism

When we understand the ubiquity of ableism as passed through childhood we understand how deeply we must unlearn the power structures.

For able-bodied people:

Unlearn the voice that says "Someday when I am big and strong nobody can tell me what to do. Other people will have to listen to me."

Remember: access to power does not equal permission to abuse that power.

For disabled people:

Unlearn the voice that says

"My _______ provide for me and for that I owe them obedience."

Remember: having your needs met is a basic human right. You do not become less of a person because you have less ability.

For society:

We need to learn to treat disabled people as full people who have the right to have their needs met not by a single person or family but by the community at large. All of us come from disability (childhood) and will return to it (old age). If a family is failing to provide for their disabled loved one they need support not punishment. We must collectively take responsibility for disability and not place the burden on disabled people or those that directly care for them.

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Doing better: raising children

For parents:

Believe and empower your children. Do not abuse your power over them. Raise your children with awareness about the power and not fear and submission to power. Raise rebels, but raise informed rebels.

For children:

Life is not fair. Never forget the passion with which you naturally understand this. Understand that just because people have power over you they are not better than you. Do not strive to take over from them. Strive to abolish that power.

For society:

We need to do better at raising children. We should…

-Empower children's sense of justice and curiosity

--Montessori curriculum is especially good for this

--Teaching gentle parenting can help parents learn to inform and communicate rather than punish

-Stop punitive justice for children (and punitive justice but that's its own issue)

--Remove unnecessary rules like dress codes

--Remove police from schools

--Do not take away recess from young children

(Much more to be done here but these are basics)

-Empower communities to take collective responsibility for children

--Play groups

--Adults sharing knowledge with all local children

--Knowing your neighbors

-Remove parental control and responsibility over basic needs

--Well funded public schools

--Access to school counselors

--Toy drives / public playgrounds (have playground toys there for all the kids to share!)

--Food available at schools (breakfast/lunch with food to take home for dinner if requested)

--Technology provided by schools (laptops and phones for education and communication)

--Homeless shelters for families